I wrongfully labeled and hated Black men until this happened...

Ever since I had a terrible experience in an abusive relationship with a black man (while in college), I allowed myself to live in fear of dating black men. Sure, they look so sexy and powerful marching and stomping with their fraternity line across the campus, but after being struck with an iron and thrown backwards onto my tailbone, I figured that black men were good for one thing only- Eye Candy. I was wrong.

After swearing off of black men, I became enthusiastic about dating Spanish-speaking men. It didnt matter to me what country or island they were from, just as long as their salsa skills were as hot as their accents and their kiss was as sexy as their dark curly hair- I was ready to dance and more. I discovered they had a special sense of pride their heritage and "knowledge of self'" in these men. I found them to be 10 times more respectful in the clubs. They had a high regard for their family members, especially their mothers. Of course, I got hurt with "that kind" too. (That inspires me to write blog entitled, "No matter what culture they come from, some men are just dirty dogs." ) I am not saying that Black men dont possess those same great qualities and more. Yet the scarcity of suitable Black men, or even those who would appreciate me was so profound, it was easier on my spirit to just give up on them. But I will say again that I was wrong.

One day, I met this guy (a tall Black man). He and I became the best of friends. He was that Home-Boy that every woman likes to have. On the surface, other women might say that there was nothing special about him. He worked at Walmart as a supervisor, didn't have a flashy car, lots of money, or even a lot of material thing. He lived in a simple duplex with a room mate who I deemed to be repulsive because of his pungent obesity. This guy told me that he was raised poor. It was my understanding that he believed, "only through working hard (for 'the man') would it be possible to live ok". Here I was with the childhood not unlike that of the Huxtables, with desires for residual leveraged income, with enough education to make you say, "wow, she must be smart". No, there is no way that I would have known at that time that this dude with nothing more than a high school diploma (from the worst school in the city) could do anything for me except pay for my #2 with the salad on the side. Ha Ha.

He was so out of my area of desire that even my normal standards were considered too "Whitley Gilbert" for him. For instance, my idea of a nice house has at least 3 or 4 bathrooms, several many rooms, security entrance to the property or community, and of course every neighbor on the lot has a decked out lawn, nice car etc. For me, that was the standard, and it should only get better from there. For him, that was extravagent and almost greedy. This is how I understood him back then.  We laughed about all we had in common which was less in number than the funnier stuff- what we didn't have in common.

Anyway, he was the man I could hang with and not have any pressure. No judgement when I confided deep secrets about my past in him. I use to say to him, I wish I could find a good black man who would just love me as I am. I admit now that looking back I was nearly so blinded by my experiences and the negative view (put out by the media) of black men, that I would not have noticed a good black man if he was in front of me on bended knee. And so when he was (on one knee), I almost didn't recognize what a blessing was our friendship created.

Three years later, as I watched our son blow out his birthday candles, I looked at my husband and smiled. He is that one special black man that defies all the negative statistics, who has a commitment to his family, who has never once raised his voice to me in a harsh way, who has forgiven me with patience of Biblical proportions when I flew off at the mouth. He showed me that I was wrong for stereotyping all black men. He has given me everything he had and more. Even with our mediocre lifestyle, with us not yet having all those wonderful material things I dream about- I am smart enough to recognize one thing. Being his wife makes me thee wealthiest, luckiest woman in the world. This is why I created a poetry blog just for him! It is new but I will continue to write as he is such an inspiration to me. I enjoy the kind of peace and friendship in our house that some rich women and men wish for (and don't know where or how to find it). I only hope that each day I meet my goal to continue making him feel like the luckiest man in return. I understand those love song lyrics alluding to preferring "bad times with him than wealth with someone else". Now, with his help, I can send our son out to the world as a strong, positive black man. I hope our son finds a woman who will recognize his greatness, as I recognize his father's greatness now.

For all the ladies out there who have been through similar problems that I have had, or are dealing with them now...I am writing to say there is still hope.  My husband is proof that not all black men are a horrible waste of God's time. Though many of them might be the worst creatures on earth, some of them are special and worthy of you. The trick is not figuring out how to find him.  The trick is figuring out how to recognize the beautiful one, when he lucks out and finds you.

How to determine if you should stay or leave your marriage

Is it your fault when your husband or boyfriend yells or threatens you in an arguement? You may have one opinion but if it happens to you, you might have a totally different opinion. A man will always have his own justifications. He will almost never accept that his threatening is yelling was wrong. From my experience, the top three reasons why a man feels such behavior is excused is:

* She was yelling at me first.
* She pushed my buttons.
* She disrespected me, I cant allow that.

Ladies, get it clear. It is never right or ok for a man to threaten you. You should NEVER threaten his safety or try to control his behavior either. However if you are so upset that you find yourself yelling, you might want to to say a few things to yourself (Hopefully, before it is too late):

* I dont want him yelling at me like this, I need to calm down.
* I cannot give this man, or any human being the power to reduce me to tears, yelling, cursing and screaming.
*What if I were not screaming, or if I just spoke calmly, What would happen?

This is something that I have found to be very helpful, though I admit..in the past, I have not always allowed myself to calm down enough to go through that thought process.

I met with my best friend for lunch. I thought she was just wanting to vent about her prejudiced boss. But instead, she had to determine if she should stay or leave her marriage. I was once in a situation where I was so upset with my husband that I went to him initially yelling and swearing. Looking back now, I realize that was wrong, but in the heat of the moment, I wasn't strong enough to try speaking nicer. On the other hand, I knew not to go so far as to threaten him in anyway. At one point, because his replies were not to my liking, I screamed at him, while his friend was in the other room (he had ONCE AGAIN popped up unannounced, which triggered my anger). I had surprised myself because I had no idea how upset I would become. Well needless to say, telling her my little story wasnt much of a consolation because she was terribly hurt. She could barely eat.

She told me that at first, he did speak to her a normal tone, but because his replies were so blatantly inconsiderate of her feelings, she elevated her tone of voice even more. Likewise, he elevated his temper. This is the clincher though: "Shut up!! If you say one more word I'll knock your F***in' head off! I will tell your whole family that I choked you and I wont give a shit!!!". This was the behavior that he resorted to after he realized that he could not control her. How about this: He was not man enough to control himself. Unless a woman is physically threatening a man, he has no right to threaten her safety. He did this too, while his friend was in the house. Sure, I can acknowledge that his pride was hurt. Ok. Do I have the luxury of saying that my pride was hurt, so I am going to threaten to kill him? No, I do not!! It goes without saying, any man who feels justified in treating a woman this way, will surely impose the ultimate double standard (or as I like to say, the "UDS"). Do you know what the UDS is? The UDS is that "I can threated you, tell you to shut up, throw things at you, slap or choke you if you say anything I do not like, or if you speak in a way that I do not like and if I feel that you disrespected me. However, you cannot do that to me. You have no rights because I am the man. You have to put up with whatever I do or say, whenever I do it.". Never has there ever been a man (feeling justified in abusing a woman that way), who didn't impose the UDS.

Well after that event, I had a new outlook on my husband after 4 years of marriage. First I could no longer respect him as any man, much less "my" man. I wanted nothing to do with him. I use to feel that his gentle way, his outlook on life and perspectives were sufficient to make me glad that I married him. After all, he had done a lot of nice things for me. On the other hand, I have also done TOO MANY nice things for him, so that I did not deserve to be threatened. I wished TO GOD that I never married him.

This time, it has nothing to do with the fact that he is Black (before I met him, as a black woman, I would never date a black man). I have known some men in other cultures to mistreat their woman too. I just wished that I never married him. I wished that I had married another man who I frequently comes to mind (that will be discussed in a future article). Thank God my son was with my in-laws when my husband behaved like an animal. I would be so much more angry if my baby witnessed his primitive behavior.

I wished I had enough money saved now to leave, but I don't. Right now, my pride would be hurt... if I told my family what he did and I would have to hear, "I told you that he was nothing, why did you marry him anyway? I told you so...". Silly reason to take my sweet time leaving him right? To this day, the fact is that I just didn't trust him any more. I didn't trust that I could have a discussion with him in which he will be respectful. He will just pick a reason to have an excuse to behave violently. From then on, every day that I breath, it would be with the mission of getting away from him as soon as possible.

What had I learned? (these are the things that I told myself):

* I should have never married him. He is lacking so much compared to what I prefer in a man, and settling for him (especially now with all of his abusive tendencies) is something I am paying for the hard way.
* Do not speak to him if I am upset. Try to speak with him at another time if it absolutely necessary.
*Do not let him believe that he can control everything I do. If I let him walk over me, he will do it for the rest of my life.
* Stop doing things for him that he is clearly not worthy and deserving of.
* Keep my legs closed. If a man can screw me after he has abused me, that sets a cycle of violence that he will enjoy at my expense forever, until I die (possibly at his hands).
* I will have to Forgive him (this is the hardest thing). It is true that forgiveness is for me. It is not necessarily to give glory to the other person. It doesn't mean he gets off easily. He will have to be accountable to God for the verbal threats, abuse etc. Forgive him so that I will have inner peace.
* Let it go. Live and enjoy reaching my goals, my ideas and whatever makes me happy. Above all, don't let this man steal my joy. IF he can steal my joy, then he has done more damage than the initial abusive act has done in the first place. To any woman in the situation I found myself in, those are the things that I recommend.

What if you just want to leave?

IF you feel so strongly that you would be better off without that man (trust me, I totally understand if you do), leave on your own terms. Plan your departure. If you feel that he will beat you if you even look at him funny, get out and seek shelters for abused women. Otherwise, get your finances in order, credit, savings and all your belongings. Plan wisely and patiently. Leave when you are ready, make no apologies and don't look back.

What if there is a child or children involved?

It goes without saying that you must do everything to keep your child safe. I know that if there is a child involved, things are so much more complicated. No matter how old the child is, they will inevitably be hurt if they were always used to having Mommy & Daddy in the same household and they have to adjust to life with a single parent. However, you will need to consider this: When your child becomes an adult, and you share with them the abuse you were up against, would they have preferred for you to stay with a man who was so hurtful to you? I think not. Just love, guide and rear your child despite all adversities and in the end, you will have raised a much healthier young person. He or she will likely be much more stable than if they would have grown up being subject to a man who abused their mother.

What if your man has never yelled at you, how can you tell if he has abusive tendencies?

This is a tough question. I never thought my husband would slip into the category of "abusive man" because he isn't someone who use to yell a whole lot. Yelling is a tell-tale sign, but what if your man doesnt yell? Is he still capable of hurting you? After discovering the beast that my husband really was, I discovered that there were other signs I over looked:

* He frequently suggested that somehow, Chris Brown might be justified for beating his girlfriend.
* He attempted to control me before, by trying to make me "shut up" when he got angry.
* He has little or no empathy for women who have been abused (indicated by comments made while we watched the news or a television program which touched on the subject of abuse)
These were subtle things that most women, (myself included) might overlook. There are other more obvious signs (punching the wall, balling of the fist) but the subtle one's often go unnoticed.

Should you stay or go?

I was happy one day, then the next day I found myself wanting to leave, but still asking myself if I should stay or go. It was tough because I tried so hard to be happy in this marriage. I just lost all respect for him and it seemed like it would never work. I thought perhaps that counseling would be a good idea. I knew he would never go to counseling because of his stupid egotistical pride, but it was really for me. I was so terribly hurt by him. However, at that time I could not afford counseling. Even if I could get it for free, it would still cost me time off of work to go speak with a professional marriage counselor. I got lucky. One day I was cruising a relationship forum and reading about experiences of other women in abusive relationships. I met a woman and became buddies with her. She recommended Counselor-In-A-Box. Her name is Lynn and her husband was verbally abusive too. She told me that it literally helped her to save her marriage. At that time, I had not decided if I wanted to keep my marriage for the long run. I just wanted to get out on my own terms. In her email signature, I clicked on a link that addressed my immediate concerns and I found that it helped me get my mind together. It was really awesome because now I can look back on that horrible day and our whole relationship with so much more clarity. It gave me so many things to think about that I had never considered. For instance, I had let go of things that were important to me in order to accomodate him. As I got fed up with it, I became resentful and he had no idea because I never voiced those things. Ultimately, in order to determine if I should stay or go, I had to engage in some type of communication with my husband whether I liked it or not.What did I decide to do in my situation?I ended up speaking with my husband again after weeks of treating him like he were not in the house. I let him know that he is never to disrespect me again with threats. His response & attitude was, "Well, don't yell at me and I won't do what I did". To me, that shows no accountability whatsoever!! There isn't a section of his tiny brain telling him that under no circumstances is it ok to threaten a woman's safety. I decided from that point on, to be the "bigger person" and take the high road for my son's sake. I will not argue with him over anything, he would have no excuse to say the awful things he said before. IF for some reason he did disrespect me again, I would pack up my things and our son and move back to NY with my grandmother. The arrangements were already made and my plan B (without his knowledge) was already in place. Then, if and when he calmed himself, I would consider letting him visit with our son. As long as he behaved violently, he had no right to be anywhere near him.

For a long time, I lived as a different person. I used to be so affectionate, trusting and caring for my husband. Suddenly, I just focused everything on my son, I gave more attention to my son & myself, my gym time, my work and ambitions. I spent less time fixing his lunches, worrying about whether or not he gets enough sleep, caring about how tired he might be from work. Honestly, I could not care less. I just make sure that my son and I have excellent nutrition and time for fun. I was a hardened person and it could take years to heal. I think he felt that everything was back to normal because I might watch the same TV show he was watching or I might dress in front of him (rarely). I use to think that if nothing else, he would always be my best friend. That went out of the window and it would be a long time before I feel that way again. That was six months ago.How are things in my marriage today?

After reading that ebook and reviewing all the cool bonus products that came with it, I began to have a new outlook. My husband's behavior changed for the better and I must take all the credit for it because I corrected him with my behavioral changes. Sounds unbelievable right? I feel better now. It is not because I stayed in this marriage, but because I went through those hard lessons and determined that i was staying for the right reasons. Some people don't know if they should stay so they leave for the wrong reasons and regret it later. I didn't want to run, I wanted to assert my demands with my actions and claim the love and respect that I rightfully deserved. I learned how to do that. I wrote about my experience reading that ebook in the forum where I met Lynn. I met more people who said they could not turn their relationships around for the better. From all that I read, there seems to be a few reasons why:
* They spent money on products that help people fix their sex lives, but that don't help to address the underlying problems in relationships.
*They were too angry or impatient to calm themselves enough to read something that might give them a different outlook, positive ideas and hope.
*They allowed other victims or abusers to give advice. Often times, the advice is not helpful and doesn't speak to the situation one is going through.

Believe me, after going through an in-depth analysis of my personality, and following the steps and action plans, I found that everything else fell into place... great lovemaking, laughter and all that was missing for longer than I realized. Even if your partner is not willing to go on your "journey to making up" with you.. get the ball rolling and work on yourself. You can be a positive force in his life. You can make your relationship an exciting, passionate, exclusive place where love and respect rule supreme!
Author
-Samantha Patterson

You are sabotaging your relationship!!! (if you fit the descriptions below)

Are you ruining your love life!!! Not that I believe in excuses, but you could be driving your mate to a cheating frenzy. I have to admit that when I discovered a few of these items, I got scared because they describe me so accurately... it was creepy. Nevertheless, I have grown from having a mirror flashed in front of me, and hopefully you can pick out the negative issues you might have, scrape 'em away, exfoliate your personality just as you would do for your face. Then, your heart and mind will offer a brilliant, refreshed and improved chunk of love to your mate. (If you are a guy..this applies to you too. Just because this article speaks to women about their men, doesn't mean these habits dont apply to you).

5 Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship by Hannah Geller

1. BODY INSECURITIES

You know you have this problem if...
You cringe and cover up when your partner sees you naked.
Compliments make you nervous and defensive.
Thinking about his positive attributes makes you wonder what he's doing with you.

Why is it a problem?
When we are ashamed of our bodies, we "withdraw sexually" and have trouble "being playful and free," says relationship expert Dr. Alice Pisciotto. Many people resort to substances to deal with their insecurities (for example, drinking in order to have sex), which can ruin a sense of closeness.

How to fix it:
The first step is awareness: realizing, for example, that when he says, "you look beautiful in that dress" and you hear, "go to the gym," it's not because he's being sarcastic, but because you feel ashamed of your body. The second step is to learn to talk about it in an open, honest way. Explain your insecurities to him, why you think you have them, and how they make you feel. Then, pledge to yourself to throw the symptoms of insecurity out the window. Once you stop calling yourself fat, for example, you may stop feeling so fat.

2. BAD TIMING

You know you have this problem if...You bring up sore points — issues you argue about often or recently — at romantic dinners, family functions, or company events. Or, worse yet, you bombard him with accusations the second you're alone.

Why is it a problem?
"This really drives guys crazy," says Pisciotto. Everyone knows that communication is important to a good relationship, but knowing when and where to communicate can be just as important. Bringing up a problem at an inappropriate time or place will almost never solve it, and will become a problem in its own right. And he'll be reluctant to bring you along to his cousin's wedding if he's worried you'll be shooting him dirty looks all night.

How to fix it:
If you want to talk about a problem, give some forewarning, says Pisciotto. "X is really bothering me. Can we talk about it tonight?" Have a safe, private place where you can talk without feeling uncomfortable. And if you really want to resolve the issues, make sure you are talking in person and never by text message or e-mail.

3. SNAPPING

You know you have this problem if...
Your partner complains you're always blowing up at him — whether he forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning or threw out the manuscript for the novel you've secretly been working on.

Why is it a problem?
You may be using these explosions as a substitute for intimacy, says Pisciotto. "If you say, 'I love you,' who knows how he's going to react?" You may get a grunt, you may get a kiss, you may get some bad news. "But if you scream at him, you know he's going to scream back." Excessive anger may be a sign that you're insecure about his feelings for you. Snapping at him allows you to control his behavior because his response — anger — is predictable. But if he feels like he's always about to step on a land mine, you may be doing the very opposite: driving him away.

How to fix it:
"This is really an issue of self-awareness," says Pisciotto. The next time you feel mad at him, ask yourself if your anger is proportionate to the offense. If not, think about why you feel so furious: Are you mad about something else that you haven't talked about sufficiently? Does his anger reassure you of his feelings (i.e., "if he's screaming at the top of his lungs, he must be passionate about me")? Are you insecure about his feelings because of something he has done, or because of something unrelated that happened to you in the past? Instead of blowing up at him, try to calmly and insightfully tell him why you are feeling so enraged. Use "I" sentences instead of "you" sentences: "I felt angry when you didn't call, because it made me feel like you don't care about me," rather than, "You didn't call me! You don't care about me!"

4. KEEPING SCORE

You know you have this problem if...
You're keeping a tally of the gives and the takes.
You say things like, "Yes, we hung out with my friends tonight but I hung out with his friends for the last five days."

Why is it a problem?
"Keeping score is usually a sign you don't feel understood, that you don't feel heard," explains Pisciotto. You feel that your partner doesn't realize or appreciate the contributions and sacrifices you make for the relationship. "This becomes the 'yes, but' of the relationship," says Dr. Pisciotto. "Yes, you took me out to dinner tonight, but I paid the last six nights. Yes, you initiated sex tonight, but I always initiate. Yes, you care about me, but I care about you more."

How to fix it:
When you catch yourself thinking or saying, "Yes, but..." step back and ask yourself why. Is this an isolated incident: Are you really the one who always does the dishes, and you just want him to help out more with household chores? Or is it part of a bigger problem: Do you feel like you always make more sacrifices for the relationship, and the dishes are just one example of many? Keeping score provides you with ammo to win the argument "Who's the better partner." It's childish behavior that you should do your best to minimize. Be hypervigilant when your thoughts slip into the "Yes, but..." pattern. Remind yourself that although you may give more in this particular area — you always pay for dinner out — he may give more in another, like always buying the groceries.

5. LETTING THE PAST DICTATE THE PRESENT

You know you have this problem if...
You blame your current boyfriend for problems you had in your last relationship: Your ex had an affair with his personal trainer, so you tell your new boyfriend you like the "chubby look" to keep him out of the gym.

Why is it a problem?
It's a basic truth of psychology that "we often repeat problems in order to solve them," says Pisciotto. For example, when you're suspicious that your new boyfriend is going to cheat on you, like your ex did, your subconscious is trying to come to terms with the old problem. The effect will hardly be productive: You're likely to create some new issues with your current boyfriend without solving the issues from your past.

How to fix it:
Take a moment to ask yourself: Are there any issues or arguments you had with a former boyfriend that still bother you? If so, write them down and be on the lookout. The next time you're angry with your current boyfriend for something similar, ask yourself whether or not he deserves it. If not, Pisciotto recommends telling him about your ex and asking him about his. But be clear that you're talking about your old flame solely for the purpose of improving your current relationship. Your new guy doesn't want to hear about how your ex just got a promotion, what a great cook he was, or how amazing he was in bed.

Are you a cheater? Check out the 9 reasons why people cheat and the 9 signs your mate is cheating

As the author of this site, I have to say loud and clear.....
I do not believe in cheating. I have been tempted on different occasions in my life. However, the first thing that came to my mind was, "This will come back to haunt me. How would I feel if he cheated on me?" If I am so unhappy with my man that I am about to cheat, then the relationship is over. I would just break up with him first. That doesn't make me perfect, or better than another woman who would cheat. It just makes me feel good as a person to stick with my values no matter what happens. One of my standards, (probably my main one) is: Always Stay Faithful in relationships. On the other hand, some people might consider fantasizing about another man or woman to be cheating. If that is the case, then I am guilty as charged. Once in a while I have kissed some of my favorite hotties: Terence Howard, Morris Chestnut, Chris Tucker and a few celebrity sports stars- in my dreams of course. As far as having a sexual or even an emotional affair while I am with a man.... I can't do it. I have come close.....very close, dangerously close to considering an emotional affair. But, after many hours of prayer and talking with my older, wiser girlfriends.... I came back to the good girl in me. Thank God. So if you are considering cheating in your relationship, stop to first ask yourself why. See if your reasons are identical with one of these nine reasons that people cheat.....


1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.

2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.

3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.

4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.

5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.

6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.

7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.

8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.

9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.

I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater? Posted by Rich Santos, Marie Claire.