Welcome to the place where I tell it all about relationships according to my own experiences. I also share stories and perspectives of others. Feel free to share your own experiences as we can all learn from one another. Got any relationship advice? Spill it! This is the place to speak freely, vent, brag or learn. No holding back in here!
I wrongfully labeled and hated Black men until this happened...
Ever since I had a terrible experience in an abusive relationship with a black man (while in college), I allowed myself to live in fear of dating black men. Sure, they look so sexy and powerful marching and stomping with their fraternity line across the campus, but after being struck with an iron and thrown backwards onto my tailbone, I figured that black men were good for one thing only- Eye Candy. I was wrong.
After swearing off of black men, I became enthusiastic about dating Spanish-speaking men. It didnt matter to me what country or island they were from, just as long as their salsa skills were as hot as their accents and their kiss was as sexy as their dark curly hair- I was ready to dance and more. I discovered they had a special sense of pride their heritage and "knowledge of self'" in these men. I found them to be 10 times more respectful in the clubs. They had a high regard for their family members, especially their mothers. Of course, I got hurt with "that kind" too. (That inspires me to write blog entitled, "No matter what culture they come from, some men are just dirty dogs." ) I am not saying that Black men dont possess those same great qualities and more. Yet the scarcity of suitable Black men, or even those who would appreciate me was so profound, it was easier on my spirit to just give up on them. But I will say again that I was wrong.
One day, I met this guy (a tall Black man). He and I became the best of friends. He was that Home-Boy that every woman likes to have. On the surface, other women might say that there was nothing special about him. He worked at Walmart as a supervisor, didn't have a flashy car, lots of money, or even a lot of material thing. He lived in a simple duplex with a room mate who I deemed to be repulsive because of his pungent obesity. This guy told me that he was raised poor. It was my understanding that he believed, "only through working hard (for 'the man') would it be possible to live ok". Here I was with the childhood not unlike that of the Huxtables, with desires for residual leveraged income, with enough education to make you say, "wow, she must be smart". No, there is no way that I would have known at that time that this dude with nothing more than a high school diploma (from the worst school in the city) could do anything for me except pay for my #2 with the salad on the side. Ha Ha.
He was so out of my area of desire that even my normal standards were considered too "Whitley Gilbert" for him. For instance, my idea of a nice house has at least 3 or 4 bathrooms, several many rooms, security entrance to the property or community, and of course every neighbor on the lot has a decked out lawn, nice car etc. For me, that was the standard, and it should only get better from there. For him, that was extravagent and almost greedy. This is how I understood him back then. We laughed about all we had in common which was less in number than the funnier stuff- what we didn't have in common.
Anyway, he was the man I could hang with and not have any pressure. No judgement when I confided deep secrets about my past in him. I use to say to him, I wish I could find a good black man who would just love me as I am. I admit now that looking back I was nearly so blinded by my experiences and the negative view (put out by the media) of black men, that I would not have noticed a good black man if he was in front of me on bended knee. And so when he was (on one knee), I almost didn't recognize what a blessing was our friendship created.
Three years later, as I watched our son blow out his birthday candles, I looked at my husband and smiled. He is that one special black man that defies all the negative statistics, who has a commitment to his family, who has never once raised his voice to me in a harsh way, who has forgiven me with patience of Biblical proportions when I flew off at the mouth. He showed me that I was wrong for stereotyping all black men. He has given me everything he had and more. Even with our mediocre lifestyle, with us not yet having all those wonderful material things I dream about- I am smart enough to recognize one thing. Being his wife makes me thee wealthiest, luckiest woman in the world. This is why I created a poetry blog just for him! It is new but I will continue to write as he is such an inspiration to me. I enjoy the kind of peace and friendship in our house that some rich women and men wish for (and don't know where or how to find it). I only hope that each day I meet my goal to continue making him feel like the luckiest man in return. I understand those love song lyrics alluding to preferring "bad times with him than wealth with someone else". Now, with his help, I can send our son out to the world as a strong, positive black man. I hope our son finds a woman who will recognize his greatness, as I recognize his father's greatness now.
For all the ladies out there who have been through similar problems that I have had, or are dealing with them now...I am writing to say there is still hope. My husband is proof that not all black men are a horrible waste of God's time. Though many of them might be the worst creatures on earth, some of them are special and worthy of you. The trick is not figuring out how to find him. The trick is figuring out how to recognize the beautiful one, when he lucks out and finds you.
How Do You Know If Your Man Is Cheating??????
Are you in denial about your cheating significant other? If so, let today be the day that you face the music and prepare for your healing process. If you don't want to see the truth because you have "put in so much time". Ask yourself if you want to waste another 5 years letting him (or her) cheat on you. From now on, after reviewing these nine signs you can never say you didn't know. If you think that your mate meets the criteria below... send them packing and start over. You will thank yourself in the long run.
*****************************************************************
When you get suspicious that your significant other is cheating, be careful not to appear to be paranoid. You have to walk a fine line — you don't want to make false accusations.
So, while I'm sharing this list of cheating red flags, I concede that it's a tricky situation. It's hard to be sure if someone's cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship. But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive your lover away.
Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating:
Less Sex
Unless he's Superman, he can only have so much sex. So, if he's getting it from another source, you might notice. Whether it's another woman or a porn addiction — even if he's not cheating — a decrease in sex signals serious issues in the relationship.
Jumpy Cell Phone Habits
In a perfect world, we'd be open about sharing our correspondence with our significant others. Most of the time, we trust that we don't have to worry about who is texting or calling them. But, if you notice that he is getting protective and/or nervous when he gets calls or texts, it may be cause for alarm.
Gushing or Talking About Someone Suddenly
You know that exhilarating feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting? You want to tell the world about him. One of my exes began talking about a guy a lot near the end of our relationship — he just always seemed to be at her social gatherings that I didn't happen to attend. Sure enough, after she dumped me, she began dating him.
Disconnect
Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you're sensing that he's drawing away from you, then there may be someone else. Emotional disconnect should be investigated regardless of whether it's caused by cheating. There's a problem if he's not laughing or seeming as passionate as usual. It's hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it's being given to someone else.
He's Pulling Houdinis
If he's disappearing, traveling, or unavailable to the point where you are starting to wonder, then he could be cheating. Also, these times tend to take on a pattern because it's tough to synch up schedules, especially in secret.
Friends Acting Strange
His friends will certainly remain loyal to him in most cases. They will not let you know what's going on, but they will definitely be racked with guilt, and their behavior may change slightly when they are around you while protecting his secret.
Caught in Other Lies About Other Things
If you catch him in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged. Don't hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing. You can forgive, but don't forget. If he consistently breaches your trust, it's establishing a pattern of behavior that leads to cheating. Do yourself a favor: If he keeps lying, whether these lies are big or small, get out while you can and don't let him talk his way back in.
Been There, Done That
I always say: "Once a cheater, always a cheater". If he's done it before, he's definitely capable of doing it again. It has nothing to do with you, which is why you can't say that he cheated on his previous lover because she didn't keep him happy. Cheating is a self-serving act in which the cheater doesn't take his significant other into consideration. If someone is upfront with you that he's made mistakes in the past, maybe give them a chance — but make it a long probationary period before you let your guard down.
Your Gut Tells You So
Don't ignore your sixth sense. People are gifted at sensing when something doesn't feel right. Whether there are red flags in your relationship that are clueing you in or not, if something feels off, don't ignore this feeling. Usually that feeling is right, and something intangible may have led to you figuring it all out.
Do you have any red flags that you'd add to this list? Would you say that you're generally good at figuring cheaters out, or do you seem to find yourself getting cheated on often? What sorts of behaviors do you think are characteristic of someone who could be a cheater?
Posted by Marie Claire.
Are you in denial about your cheating significant other? If so, let today be the day that you face the music and prepare for your healing process. If you don't want to see the truth because you have "put in so much time". Ask yourself if you want to waste another 5 years letting him (or her) cheat on you. From now on, after reviewing these nine signs you can never say you didn't know. If you think that your mate meets the criteria below... send them packing and start over. You will thank yourself in the long run.
*****************************************************************
When you get suspicious that your significant other is cheating, be careful not to appear to be paranoid. You have to walk a fine line — you don't want to make false accusations.
So, while I'm sharing this list of cheating red flags, I concede that it's a tricky situation. It's hard to be sure if someone's cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship. But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive your lover away.
Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating:
Less Sex
Unless he's Superman, he can only have so much sex. So, if he's getting it from another source, you might notice. Whether it's another woman or a porn addiction — even if he's not cheating — a decrease in sex signals serious issues in the relationship.
Jumpy Cell Phone Habits
In a perfect world, we'd be open about sharing our correspondence with our significant others. Most of the time, we trust that we don't have to worry about who is texting or calling them. But, if you notice that he is getting protective and/or nervous when he gets calls or texts, it may be cause for alarm.
Gushing or Talking About Someone Suddenly
You know that exhilarating feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting? You want to tell the world about him. One of my exes began talking about a guy a lot near the end of our relationship — he just always seemed to be at her social gatherings that I didn't happen to attend. Sure enough, after she dumped me, she began dating him.
Disconnect
Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you're sensing that he's drawing away from you, then there may be someone else. Emotional disconnect should be investigated regardless of whether it's caused by cheating. There's a problem if he's not laughing or seeming as passionate as usual. It's hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it's being given to someone else.
He's Pulling Houdinis
Friends Acting Strange
His friends will certainly remain loyal to him in most cases. They will not let you know what's going on, but they will definitely be racked with guilt, and their behavior may change slightly when they are around you while protecting his secret.
Caught in Other Lies About Other Things
If you catch him in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged. Don't hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing. You can forgive, but don't forget. If he consistently breaches your trust, it's establishing a pattern of behavior that leads to cheating. Do yourself a favor: If he keeps lying, whether these lies are big or small, get out while you can and don't let him talk his way back in.
Been There, Done That
I always say: "Once a cheater, always a cheater". If he's done it before, he's definitely capable of doing it again. It has nothing to do with you, which is why you can't say that he cheated on his previous lover because she didn't keep him happy. Cheating is a self-serving act in which the cheater doesn't take his significant other into consideration. If someone is upfront with you that he's made mistakes in the past, maybe give them a chance — but make it a long probationary period before you let your guard down.
Your Gut Tells You So
Don't ignore your sixth sense. People are gifted at sensing when something doesn't feel right. Whether there are red flags in your relationship that are clueing you in or not, if something feels off, don't ignore this feeling. Usually that feeling is right, and something intangible may have led to you figuring it all out.
Do you have any red flags that you'd add to this list? Would you say that you're generally good at figuring cheaters out, or do you seem to find yourself getting cheated on often? What sorts of behaviors do you think are characteristic of someone who could be a cheater?
Posted by Marie Claire.
